My poetry, and writing that just went on and on...
I NEED you
These words I dread for you to say to me
"You don't need me, you only want me."
No, not this time.
This time
You are wrong.
I need you.
I need your arms wrapped around me.
I need your lips against mine.
I need your voice whispering to me.
I need your body next to mine.
I need you to tell me you love me.
I need you to hold me when I cry.
I need you to give me a sillyband when we meet.
I need you to smack my ass.
I need you to place your hands on my face.
I need you to squeeze my knee and lick my arm.
I need you to type a smile, an exclamation point!
I need you to rub my tummy.
I need you to say my name.
I need you to take a moment to tell me how much you love me.
I need you to tell me it's going to be okay, someday.
I need you to smile.
I need you to pull me close, hold me tighter.
I need you to remeber these promises.
I need you to never stop talking to me.
I need you to come back.
I need you.
These words I dread for you to say at all.
"You don't need me, you only want me."
No, not this time.
This time,
You are wrong.
You'll always be wrong until you admit you need me too.
"You don't need me, you only want me."
No, not this time.
This time
You are wrong.
I need you.
I need your arms wrapped around me.
I need your lips against mine.
I need your voice whispering to me.
I need your body next to mine.
I need you to tell me you love me.
I need you to hold me when I cry.
I need you to give me a sillyband when we meet.
I need you to smack my ass.
I need you to place your hands on my face.
I need you to squeeze my knee and lick my arm.
I need you to type a smile, an exclamation point!
I need you to rub my tummy.
I need you to say my name.
I need you to take a moment to tell me how much you love me.
I need you to tell me it's going to be okay, someday.
I need you to smile.
I need you to pull me close, hold me tighter.
I need you to remeber these promises.
I need you to never stop talking to me.
I need you to come back.
I need you.
These words I dread for you to say at all.
"You don't need me, you only want me."
No, not this time.
This time,
You are wrong.
You'll always be wrong until you admit you need me too.
I'm Only Doing This For Us
I want to go to sleep.
For six years, eight months, and eight days.
So when I wake up, I'll be twenty and out of their way.
Though I'm afraid.
I'm afraid I'll miss you too much...
Not too much...
But so much it will hurt deeply.
I'll miss our one year anniversary.
I'll miss all those birthdays, and Valentines days.
I'll miss those weekends when I can hold your hand, when I can tell you I love you to your face.
I'll miss all those times you typed a smile.
But I'm only doing this for us.
I'm only doing this for you..
So you'll never cry again.
Even though this is scientifically proven, impossible..
Unless you're in a coma...
I still need you to come to me, hide in my arms and bury your head into my chest.
Please, kiss me good night, tell me you love me and you will miss me.
For this is not our last time, but it will be long til our next.
Close your eyes, at my side.
As we weep in our sleep,
For six years, eight months, and eight days.
So when we wake up, we will be twenty and...
I can carry you home.
Because I was only doing it for us...
For six years, eight months, and eight days.
So when I wake up, I'll be twenty and out of their way.
Though I'm afraid.
I'm afraid I'll miss you too much...
Not too much...
But so much it will hurt deeply.
I'll miss our one year anniversary.
I'll miss all those birthdays, and Valentines days.
I'll miss those weekends when I can hold your hand, when I can tell you I love you to your face.
I'll miss all those times you typed a smile.
But I'm only doing this for us.
I'm only doing this for you..
So you'll never cry again.
Even though this is scientifically proven, impossible..
Unless you're in a coma...
I still need you to come to me, hide in my arms and bury your head into my chest.
Please, kiss me good night, tell me you love me and you will miss me.
For this is not our last time, but it will be long til our next.
Close your eyes, at my side.
As we weep in our sleep,
For six years, eight months, and eight days.
So when we wake up, we will be twenty and...
I can carry you home.
Because I was only doing it for us...
Just One Step At A Time
(And As We Wait)
These words I will never forget.
Back in the month of November.
My emotions had the best of me.
I was so ready.
So ready to bleed it all away.
Then...
I saw her picture and read her name.
Then..
Something clicked in my broken, beaten down mind.
"I want to talk to her."
So I said hay,
And she said hi.
Just one step at a time.
I asked many questions.
As did she.
Just one step at a time.
First was the lighter,
Then she made me smile.
Second was the knife,
Then she made me... giggle.
Third was the beer,
Then I asked her quite simple.
"Though I feel like a little girl with quite a crush, will you be mine?"
Fourth, I told my last goodbye,
Then she said...
"Of course!"
All night long, my smile lasted.
This girl...
This girl..
She saved me in my worst of days.
Saved me from what would be my biggest mistake.
She placed a smile on this cut up, scared face.
From ear to ear, all those fears washed away.
Just one step at a time.
Fifth, I gave her bits and pieces of my heart,
Then, she typed a smile.
Sixth, I ran a practical mile with nothing but this, found, missed happy smile,
Then she said to me,
"You're so cute!"
That is when I typed, "I'm falling inlove with you." time and time again.
But I could never click send.
For it was too early.
So I waited for the moment I could say,
"I love you too."
And after those three words, I wanted so badly to hold you close.
All I wanted was a hug, thats all.
Just one step at a time.
Seventh, I waited,
Then, she waited.
So now, all we can do is wait, in a puddle of nothing but hopeless dreams.
So now...
We wait.
Back in the month of November.
My emotions had the best of me.
I was so ready.
So ready to bleed it all away.
Then...
I saw her picture and read her name.
Then..
Something clicked in my broken, beaten down mind.
"I want to talk to her."
So I said hay,
And she said hi.
Just one step at a time.
I asked many questions.
As did she.
Just one step at a time.
First was the lighter,
Then she made me smile.
Second was the knife,
Then she made me... giggle.
Third was the beer,
Then I asked her quite simple.
"Though I feel like a little girl with quite a crush, will you be mine?"
Fourth, I told my last goodbye,
Then she said...
"Of course!"
All night long, my smile lasted.
This girl...
This girl..
She saved me in my worst of days.
Saved me from what would be my biggest mistake.
She placed a smile on this cut up, scared face.
From ear to ear, all those fears washed away.
Just one step at a time.
Fifth, I gave her bits and pieces of my heart,
Then, she typed a smile.
Sixth, I ran a practical mile with nothing but this, found, missed happy smile,
Then she said to me,
"You're so cute!"
That is when I typed, "I'm falling inlove with you." time and time again.
But I could never click send.
For it was too early.
So I waited for the moment I could say,
"I love you too."
And after those three words, I wanted so badly to hold you close.
All I wanted was a hug, thats all.
Just one step at a time.
Seventh, I waited,
Then, she waited.
So now, all we can do is wait, in a puddle of nothing but hopeless dreams.
So now...
We wait.
Please Don't Say Okay
When I say you hurt me with almost everything you say,
It's only when you have nothing to say but okay.
These moments have become so predictable.
When I know it will be all you can say.
I say to myself...
Please, don't say okay
Please, don't say okay.
I know you have more to say, please..
Don't hold back.
Please, don't say..
Okay.
I've told you I loved you,
And all you said was okay.
That hurt the most.
Was I right?
Have you stopped loving me?
Why won't you say it back?
Please, tell me you love me..
And please..
Don't say okay.
Inside I get this pain.
This pain deep into my chest.
For days I can't breathe.
For days I wish I couldn't see.
For days I wish you would hold me.
Even though it feels like you hate me.
Please, say what you need to say.
Don't hide from me, don't hold back.
Let it all out, just please...
When I say you hurt me with almost everything you say,
It's only when you say..
Okay.
Please, don't say okay.
It's only when you have nothing to say but okay.
These moments have become so predictable.
When I know it will be all you can say.
I say to myself...
Please, don't say okay
Please, don't say okay.
I know you have more to say, please..
Don't hold back.
Please, don't say..
Okay.
I've told you I loved you,
And all you said was okay.
That hurt the most.
Was I right?
Have you stopped loving me?
Why won't you say it back?
Please, tell me you love me..
And please..
Don't say okay.
Inside I get this pain.
This pain deep into my chest.
For days I can't breathe.
For days I wish I couldn't see.
For days I wish you would hold me.
Even though it feels like you hate me.
Please, say what you need to say.
Don't hide from me, don't hold back.
Let it all out, just please...
When I say you hurt me with almost everything you say,
It's only when you say..
Okay.
Please, don't say okay.
Where Did Mummy Go?
She's On a Two Year Vacation
I wake up.
Usually on Sunday mornings,
Pancakes and orange juice.
But this Sunday.
It was different.
I wake up.
Am I sick?
Why can't I smell the syrup?
I run down stairs.
Everyone is still asleep.
"Mummy?"
My dad is out cold on the couch.
My brothers are asleep upstairs.
And my mum is nowhere to be found.
Still today, I rember this moment perfectly.
I walked down my driveway, six in the morning.
I look both ways, and walked in the middle of my street.
"Where's mummy?"
That was the day, everyone lost that little girl.
The day every one realized, that innocent child in her sunflower dress, will never come back.
"Where's mummy, dad?"
"She's on vacation."
His voice was so sickening.
As it cracked every few words.
He could barely stand.
Just that quick, this family becomes..
A wild fire of ashed out polaroids and lost memories.
I was five.
I didn't know my mother was out getting high at a tattoo shop.
But I know now.
Now, I know everything she was doing..
During that "two year vacation."
My dad lied to me several times, but I was of course too young to understand.
I would come running up my street from the bus stop.
"Is mummy home yet?!"
And I never...
Ever..
Had an answer.
Soon, I gave up.
I gave up on everyone and everything.
I lost every bit of who I was in that fire.
For years I have been this empty shell of disgust and despair.
But...
She came back.
She asked me to forgive her.
I was only seven.
I said no.
I couldn't, I couldn't let her just walk back into this house like she never even left.
I was only seven, and I had so much hate, and pain built up inside me.
Such a little girl, filled with such a strong opion.
Two weeks clean..
And she's asking a seven year old for forgiveness.
I am no longer that little child in her sunflower dress.
I'm not that girl in the picture you carry in your pocket, dad.
I'm not the girl that would sing about the moon everynight until she fell asleep smiling.
Now, that little child is dead.
She died the day you weren't at the mailbox whe she went looking for you.
She died everyday her father left her standing in the hall, wondering if she's ever going to see her only mother again.
Now, that smile that she wore 24/7...
It is just a pile of dust in a ditch with a needle in her arm and foam coming out of her mouth.
Do you have any idea what you have done to this family?
We're not even a family anymore.
We're just a bunch of strangers, barely living, but living under the same roof.
You destroyed us.
Do you know what you have done to your son?
He hates us so much, he refuses to come back.
He stopped talking to me.
He stopped talking to you and dad.
Because you pushed him away, and forced me to push him away.
Even though I still know all the bits of secrets.
He's out tripping with whores.
He's passedout in a ditch with a needle in his arm and foam in his mouth.
Do you know what you have done to your son?
Well he doesn't matter, he has video games so far stuck up his ass..
The only thing he sees anymore is a sword and a damn fairy following him around.
He doesn't even know whats going on anymore, because he didn't have a mother to tell him to let the games go for an hour or two.
So he stayed up night and day fighting to beat the "ultimate" boss.
Do you know what you did to me?
No, you don't.
"So, where's mummy?"
Usually on Sunday mornings,
Pancakes and orange juice.
But this Sunday.
It was different.
I wake up.
Am I sick?
Why can't I smell the syrup?
I run down stairs.
Everyone is still asleep.
"Mummy?"
My dad is out cold on the couch.
My brothers are asleep upstairs.
And my mum is nowhere to be found.
Still today, I rember this moment perfectly.
I walked down my driveway, six in the morning.
I look both ways, and walked in the middle of my street.
"Where's mummy?"
That was the day, everyone lost that little girl.
The day every one realized, that innocent child in her sunflower dress, will never come back.
"Where's mummy, dad?"
"She's on vacation."
His voice was so sickening.
As it cracked every few words.
He could barely stand.
Just that quick, this family becomes..
A wild fire of ashed out polaroids and lost memories.
I was five.
I didn't know my mother was out getting high at a tattoo shop.
But I know now.
Now, I know everything she was doing..
During that "two year vacation."
My dad lied to me several times, but I was of course too young to understand.
I would come running up my street from the bus stop.
"Is mummy home yet?!"
And I never...
Ever..
Had an answer.
Soon, I gave up.
I gave up on everyone and everything.
I lost every bit of who I was in that fire.
For years I have been this empty shell of disgust and despair.
But...
She came back.
She asked me to forgive her.
I was only seven.
I said no.
I couldn't, I couldn't let her just walk back into this house like she never even left.
I was only seven, and I had so much hate, and pain built up inside me.
Such a little girl, filled with such a strong opion.
Two weeks clean..
And she's asking a seven year old for forgiveness.
I am no longer that little child in her sunflower dress.
I'm not that girl in the picture you carry in your pocket, dad.
I'm not the girl that would sing about the moon everynight until she fell asleep smiling.
Now, that little child is dead.
She died the day you weren't at the mailbox whe she went looking for you.
She died everyday her father left her standing in the hall, wondering if she's ever going to see her only mother again.
Now, that smile that she wore 24/7...
It is just a pile of dust in a ditch with a needle in her arm and foam coming out of her mouth.
Do you have any idea what you have done to this family?
We're not even a family anymore.
We're just a bunch of strangers, barely living, but living under the same roof.
You destroyed us.
Do you know what you have done to your son?
He hates us so much, he refuses to come back.
He stopped talking to me.
He stopped talking to you and dad.
Because you pushed him away, and forced me to push him away.
Even though I still know all the bits of secrets.
He's out tripping with whores.
He's passedout in a ditch with a needle in his arm and foam in his mouth.
Do you know what you have done to your son?
Well he doesn't matter, he has video games so far stuck up his ass..
The only thing he sees anymore is a sword and a damn fairy following him around.
He doesn't even know whats going on anymore, because he didn't have a mother to tell him to let the games go for an hour or two.
So he stayed up night and day fighting to beat the "ultimate" boss.
Do you know what you did to me?
No, you don't.
"So, where's mummy?"
Some Fighter
Principle:
Katie, what did you do this time?
I punched her..
Why?
Because she said I was a fag..
So what makes you think it's okay to punch her?
She deserved it..
Did she really, Katie?
No...
But in my head I'm telling myself, "She sure as hell did too deserve it!"
Dad:
If you keep getting into trouble, you're going to make me look bad!
Even though I stay quiet through his lectures, I always have something to say to myself.
"You already look bad."
I care about you, I don't want you to get kicked out of school.
"You don't give a shit about me, you would just laugh."
I know you better than that...
"You don't know me at all."
You're a fighter.
"I stopped fighting a long time ago."
You won't give up like your brother.
"I gave up a long time ago."
I don't want you to end up like your brother, why would you want to be like that, living off of the five dollars I give him everyday?
"Stop comparing me to him."
Your so expensive.
"Then stop feeding me."
Your dirty, people are going to think I'm a bad parent.
"Believe me, I'm a hell of a lot cleaner than you, you smell like a hippie, vomitted on at a bar.
Oh, and you are a very bad parent."
I just wish he would stop talking.
I wish this would all go away.
You think you know me, but all you know is my name.
I'm barely even your daughter anymore, I barely was in the first place.
Your full of shit, constantly lying and talking out your ass.
Why don't you just go get drunk and feel bad for yourself some more.
Leave, so I can stay up and be happy with her.
You think you understand what I'm going through.
But you don't even know the first second.
You have no idea..
That I'm upstairs crying, bleeding.
I'm upstairs wishing that I was with her, and that I hate you because you won't let me have her.
Dad:
I love you Katie.
"You hate me... stranger."
Katie, what did you do this time?
I punched her..
Why?
Because she said I was a fag..
So what makes you think it's okay to punch her?
She deserved it..
Did she really, Katie?
No...
But in my head I'm telling myself, "She sure as hell did too deserve it!"
Dad:
If you keep getting into trouble, you're going to make me look bad!
Even though I stay quiet through his lectures, I always have something to say to myself.
"You already look bad."
I care about you, I don't want you to get kicked out of school.
"You don't give a shit about me, you would just laugh."
I know you better than that...
"You don't know me at all."
You're a fighter.
"I stopped fighting a long time ago."
You won't give up like your brother.
"I gave up a long time ago."
I don't want you to end up like your brother, why would you want to be like that, living off of the five dollars I give him everyday?
"Stop comparing me to him."
Your so expensive.
"Then stop feeding me."
Your dirty, people are going to think I'm a bad parent.
"Believe me, I'm a hell of a lot cleaner than you, you smell like a hippie, vomitted on at a bar.
Oh, and you are a very bad parent."
I just wish he would stop talking.
I wish this would all go away.
You think you know me, but all you know is my name.
I'm barely even your daughter anymore, I barely was in the first place.
Your full of shit, constantly lying and talking out your ass.
Why don't you just go get drunk and feel bad for yourself some more.
Leave, so I can stay up and be happy with her.
You think you understand what I'm going through.
But you don't even know the first second.
You have no idea..
That I'm upstairs crying, bleeding.
I'm upstairs wishing that I was with her, and that I hate you because you won't let me have her.
Dad:
I love you Katie.
"You hate me... stranger."